IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN!
At approximately
15:07 est, unknown hetrosexual terrorists seized control of the Daily
Buckman and ordered everyone out of the building. No demands have been
broadcast, but we will release more information as it becomes available.
i'm cutting to the chase here. if you haven't been following along with this war thing we've got going here at Buckman, chances are you're slated for conquest shortly and will know the Buckman name by then by god, (all Buckman citizens are legally required to call their loved ones "Buckman" during sessions of "lovemaking", preferably through gritted teeth)
SO,
we were speaking of distracting the soldiers.
the number two distraction, after the protection of our women and the possible reciprocal sex inferred, is the promise of robots for the actual fighting and dying.
our military robot R&D department was terribly underfunded early on, and woefully produced only twelve "rocket dog" G-31 rover fighting units. these proved useless. most of the time they just ended up waiting in the humvees with the window cracked. "don't forget to crack the window for rocket" were the famous last words of many a Buckman fighting soldier.
just useless.
then the United States upped the ante and started flooding the media with all kinds of robot talk:
"The Pentagon predicts that robots will be a major fighting force in the American military in less than a decade, hunting and killing enemies in combat. Robots are a crucial part of the Army's effort to rebuild itself as a 21st-century fighting force, and a $127 billion project called Future Combat Systems is the biggest military contract in American history.
here's a photo of what they actually have:
his name is SWORDS. it stands for something ominous i suppose... but, it's what? two feet tall? Buckman scientists would be taken out into the street and shot if they turned in some Tyco radio-controlled crap like mr. SWORDS here.
and,
good christ- $127 billion? (wasn't somebody just bitching about the "gates" in central park?) that figure will not intimidate us at Buckman, in fact we've tripled that budget and have already produced a new prototype:
when it comes to twisted, futuristic promises to make the men believe they'll all be playing a video game in a safe bunker somewhere in prague while sipping a latte, Buckman will not slip to second place.
and,
we're not pussy-footing around the morality issues and safety precautions like America.
"The lawyers tell me there are no prohibitions against robots making life-or-death decisions," said Mr. Johnson, who leads robotics efforts at the Joint Forces Command research center in Suffolk, Va. "I have been asked what happens if the robot destroys a school bus rather than a tank parked nearby. Well that robot would obviously have to make a public apology to the parents of those schoolchildren."
we'd say, "what the hell route to school were those kids taking?" and "how dare you question our robots?"
want a real laugh, go here--->NYT
-so goes the war-
frustration has descended like a terrible cloud on this damn war.
we have sand in our helicopter rotors and pretentious european mud has ensnared our ill-concieved tank treads. our generals seem more interested in the career boost proper media coverage might buy them and the pee-on soldiers are beginning to ask philosophical questions about the nature of war itself.
christ- we've made several trips back to the base to make sure we did in fact shut off everything. we just can't seem to get it together. and this thing with the men...
"what are we fighting for?"
all of the sudden they're a buncha thinkers.
all of the sudden everybody's wearing togas and laying around contemplation pools.
this won't do. so, we've come up with a list of distractions. in the next couple days we'll be outlining the items on this list in order of implementation-
we'll begin by appealing to the psychosexual side of their fragile egos.
we are fighting for women and sex. plain and simple. keep it simple. keep it visual.
so we're painting half naked hollywood movie stars on our flying fortresses.
back when wars were glorious, grampa would only fly through anti-aircraft shell riddled skies if there was a blonde painted on his wooden bomber. he liked the gams on betty grable, the stems on jane russell, and when he was feeling a little exotic, he liked the bazookas on gina lollobrigida. good ole grampa, he never thought twice about the co-pilots internal organs sprayed throughout the interior or the terrified civilians he was bombing the hell out of- he was thinking about sex- and that worked for him.
of course we have to update these hotties, and that has been the main issue here; which hotties should we put on the planes.
me? i fight for paz vega.
but we're open to suggestions. several people have suggested cameron diaz or jennifer aniston, but frankly i think they're a little played out. jon voigt's daughter, whats-her-name angelina jolie, she'd work, but maybe too well. the soldiers may actually become too distracted, forget to fire their machine guns.
anyway, like i said, we're open to suggestions.
-so goes the war-
just as we suspected, many blogs have already started weapons programs;
now we have the documentation to prove it.
the blogasphere is a newish world, but the free land out west is scheduled for a mini-mall and soon all of our magnetic freedom will be cordoned off and guarded by offensive surface to blog missile systems.
Buckman has foreseen this wicked and desperate battlefield of our near future- all the evil robots and shitty weird helicopter things.
just terrible.
it was revealed to us via bad sushi.
it was this prophetic vision and some quick and irrational legislation that edified the only path to steer us all from catastrophe.
pre-emptive war.
so here at The Daily Buckman we're going to step up to the plate and go to war to avoid being injured in some guileless free-for-all future entanglement.
we're making an effort to levy our ideas of liberty and freedom, (such as they are) on you mongrel dogs and avoid possible damage to our delicate infrastructure, (it's built on feelings) that might otherwise occur.
are you following me here?
i know you are, so you can quit with that face.
so, we sent U2 spy planes to a random sampling of blogs-
(one of our jets)
we were quite saddened by the evidence we found.
we've decided to release these images as evidence to whatever UNish blog group thingy that calls the shots out there. they stand as proof of the terrible intentions of these seemingly innocent blogs.
here we have www.bluepoppy.omworks.com
blue poppy seems like a gentle blogger. nice layout. good fonts. sweet fabulist prose that occasionally parts like drifting clouds to reveal hints of her ominous military agenda.
we enlarged sections of the photos our U2 took and, frankly, we were not surprised to find both nuclear weapon facilities and launch sites in various stages of completion.
shocking? not really.
and here we have www.topicdrift.blogspot.com
honestly we've suspected this blog of hostile activities for some time now. it's firmly cemented in the blogasphere we all know, but clearly fixing it's focus on yet another universe, still unconquered, in which the mad libs people have evidently written all of the physical laws. ambition such as this is very threatening to the small minds here at Buckman.
though it's difficult to see, our Intelligence community assures me there's a space-born death-laser facility in this shot:
very ambitious indeed.
UPDATE:
our lab just finished processing the remainder of our surveillance stock and sinister developments demand to be published.
www.pixiefix.typepad.com/type_a
who was thought to be no threat at all. a class A blog in all respects, smiling and forthright, is constructing the most garish and unwholesome weapon of all.
note the enlargement below:
Buckman has been shaken to the core.
i ask you, what good are economic sanctions in the face of such evil plots?
-so goes the war-
(The burst of static that shatters the yearning, petulant silence is bold and sassy- almost unquestionably demanding your immediate attention.)
Oh, oh my. Filthy Old Juggedy-Bug here, I've been up since dawn, feverishly slathering myself in a thick, soapy mixture. Taking a bath on the sun-beaten deck of an aircraft carrier, holding two ends of a dirty white towel and sliding it suggestively under my crotch, in a hypnotic, back and forth motion that makes my sweaty sea mates ache with antici.....Pation!
Going to war brings out the best in all able-bodied, red-blooded men, and makes me, Dirty Dingus McGee, reminisce about all of the bulging action our unsung Australian brethren endured during the second, uh, Big One. From Bunbury to Brisbane, the sashaying young 'lads of the "Swallowing Seventh" endured horrible fashion faux paus (see silly, floppy "going to the market" hats) and insipid, stupid accents to ultimately triumph. Oh, I can still see them now, laughing and saucily taunting the enemy with their ripe, full buttocks and their shameless, bursting-to-capacity codpieces flopping first to, then slightly left and fro. I can still see young corporal McFlannery motivating his rag-tag cadre by
screeching in his girlish falsetto, "Come on, boyth! Leth KILL them all!" At that moment, the furious head-bobbing in all of the sweaty, grimy foxholes stopped in earnest as confused young men poked their heads up and decided to charge the machine-gun nest. Oh, McFlannery, you are one of the many, many unsung heroes of the 'pink wave' of patriotic pride that swept through the land of 'down under.'
unbelievable.
the war only began yesterday, and we're already facing tremendous set backs.
the buckman fleet, lingering in the empty spaces between blogs, was finally given the go ahead to enter certain enemy blog waters when they were met with this:
"In order to prevent people from posting malicious or
offensive images in comments, we don't allow images to be
posted in comments. We recommend either linking to the
image posted elsewhere, or to post the image in a post in
your weblog instead."
well what the hell are we to do with that?
how do these blog gods expect us to flex a little military muscle?
luckily the morale here has been salvaged by our fashion department.
staying in step with the army of the United States, The Daily Buckman has also redesigned its combat fatigues. everybody agreed it was time for a change, time to address the numerous suggestions for improvement, and bring our buckman fighting man into the 23rd century where he belongs.
the US army hasn't had an update since 1983, and this has caused many an effeminate top ranking officer to gasp and fall dramatically to their chaise lounge.
change was necessary. so, they dropped the black from its camouflage, (we always thought black was tres gauche) and moved the pockets around. nice.
below you will find a comparision.
first the US uniform (reprinted without permission, and we don't care)-
somebody found a sale on velcro.
for me it's all about the moisture wicking tan t-shirt.
and here we have the buckman spring ensemble-
our soldiers are thrilled.
our seamen however, are impatient and tempermental.
so goes the war.
Whereas no particular blog has committed any outright acts of war against the Government and the employees of The Daily Buckman; It has never the less been resolved by the Senate and the House of Representatives of The Daily Buckman in Congress Assembled, that the state of war between The Daily Buckman and the Blogging Community is hereby formally declared; and that the Buckman High Counsel be, and is hereby, authorized and directed to employ the entire naval and military forces of The Daily Buckman and the resources of its Design Department to carry on war against the Blogging Community; and to bring the conflict to a successful termination all of the resources of our enemy Blogs are hereby pledged by The Daily Buckman.
Everybody's going to war and Buckman WILL NOT be left behind!!!
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