the Daily Buckman

my top five horse movies

-gatsby-

when are they going to stop making movies about horses? don't they know i cry like a girl everytime i watch one?
yesterday i watched seabiscuit, and despite the scene where the birds all startle and fly at once from a lone tree, (so cliche. i say if you're going to use a visual metaphor for a little kid getting into an automotive accident you should go with a mushroom cloud) i found it to be quite satisfying.
like a mentholyptus cough drop, seabiscuit cleared my sinuses right up, and left me wanting more. (i hear that in the sequel he races a steroid enhanced communist horse)

so in the spirit (that's an inside joke for horse movie aficionados) of community i've decided to list my top five horse movies of all time.
starting with #5, seabisbuit.
what a piece of shit, linking the plight of the oakies to the world of horseracing? yes, the starving poor gave a flying fuck about the little horse that could. i'm sure that inbetween scouring garbage heaps for edible food and selling their children for gasoline to get to cali, the deathly poor couldn't get enough horseracing. but, the camera work truly was fantastic. i really felt like i was riding the horse, and that's why i watch these things. the racing bits in which toby talks to that other jockey guy about whatever, (thank you bull durham) and then casually just slips the horse into another gear and speeds away? fantastic. i didn't know horses did that.
the message of this film was delivered succinctly by toby, (we're close) "it's not in his legs georgie, it's is his heart."
you make me cry ONE MORE TIME maguire, and... damn. anyway i give this movie a rating of 13/17. which i think says a lot.
#4 hidalgo.
i didn't see this movie, only the preview, but i can just imagine the funny things that horse did. i mean aragorn is drunk or something and the horse just keeps egging him on? hilarious. the horse makes him race him in some big desert race!! what? crazy horse.
#3 the black stallion.
i don't remember even a second of this disney blubberbus. what i do remember is that my little brother danny, like 8 at the time, cried his sensitive eyes out. it was a horrible embarassment to him for years and i took advantage to remind and mock him at every opportunity- in fact i should give him a call.
#2 whatever that movie was called where that hot chick would dive on horseback from way up on a ladder into a circus pool. it was called "chase your dreams" or some such girly thing.
i saw a directors cut of that film in which they compared the number of horses they went through to the number of "general lees" they destroyed on "the dukes of hazard." amazing.
and my number one horse movie?
#1- the horse whisperer.
i could make a big stupid joke about talking to horses here, but honestly... that movie totally captivated me. when they have the accident and find the wounded horse under that little bridge with it's chest muscles torn and hanging... uuuuggggghhhhh. killed me.
first the severity of the crash, the tragedy, the poor poor horse... some little girl died, the other might never walk, whatever; i'm on the edge of my seat- WHAT ABOUT THE HORSE?
and part of me has always wanted to be redford, (coincidentally the remaining me has always wanted to be paul newman) so, you know, what a movie. i've only seen it once, so if it actually sucks don't tell me. right now it's happily filed in my memories as good, could you not ruin this too for me?

-gatsby out-

harold and kumar go to m. night shamalahan's village

TRANSMISSION FROM gatsby:

in a word, fantabulous.
harold and kumar have done it again. when is the academy going to pull its glamorous head out of its sequined ass and honor these monsters of comedy with, (at least!) a nomination?
i rented the anticipated h&k/shamalamahan collaboration last night and was rocked by it's seamless combinaton of incredibly long and pretentious shots and pot humor.
it was majestic.
who would've suspected really mediocre cinematography would blend so perfectly with the antics of this generations multi-ethnic cheech and chong?

i'll go again...
actually h&k was funny.
easy one-dimensional characters, clever dialogue, and farcical situations delicately layered over a mirthfully insouciant plot. (which word are you gonna look up first buckman?) harold was the frustrated asian investment banker with a fondness for "sixteen candles" and his pretty neighbor. kumar was the indian butch cassidy, a talented medical student bent on smokin weed and eatin sliders. together they would endure endless hijinks towards the repletion of their munchie induced fixation on white castle.
my favorite part of the movie? the unconcerned way in which subplots were dismissed.
no i take that back; my favorite part was the scene in which neal patrick harris, (yes doogie howser) playing himself, did a line of coke off a naked stripper's ass as they hang out the sunroof of harold's stolen car.
i give h&k a big thumbs up, i got exactly the laid-back laughs i wanted, (if i smoked pot i'm sure i'd buy the dvd) and will gladly shell out the fourteen dollars required by the time the sequel hits the theaters
also they sang "hold on" (oh wilson phillips where have you gone?) in a stolen blaze orange bronco- INTENSE!!
gave me goosebumps, again, WAKE UP ACADEMY!!

next. shamallomar.
that kid needs his ass kicked- kicked up and down the street.
"the village" was basically a weak thirty minute twilight zone episode stretched by box-office capital into a feature. who told schmallahan slow = art? every shot, every revelation was treated as though it was a marvelous clue. maybe there were hidden laser-art pictures of giraffes or dolphins in these shots, i don't know, i can never see those, but otherwise the photography was bland. he made such a point of everything being neutral browns and pastel blues and yellows that i think he expected everybody to faint whenever red entered the palette.
this is somebody that's been told he's an artist too many times.
AND, keep away from the metaphors shalanaham, the trite message you've thickly applied doesn't make your half a story any more important.

end transmission.

(burst of garbled white noise)

Well, well, well, if it isn't my incontinent old pal Dirty Dingus McGee with his semi-literate take on not one, but TWO cinematic turds. Truly, my friend, you are scraping the bottom of the cinematic barrel with your selections today- a straight-to-video dud that was accidentally sent to theaters first, Harold and Kumar do Whatever is an example of bad money spent poorly. Oh, how funny is stoner comedy? As funny as a 37-year old waiter who gets high after work in his one bedroom apartment by HIMSELF- I could imagine the mood on the set after the first few scenes had been shot: quick, furtive glances among the crew, followed by trembling, whispered comments:

"this movie sucks ass, man."
"uh, are they for real? I quit."
"I think I just crapped in my pants...because this movie sucks so bad"

Although this is just a vivid re-imagining for you, lovely reader, be assured that those comments were really uttered. If I ever met anybody connected with this bullshit film, no matter how remotely, I would punch them in the mouth. And not just any old punch, friend- no, no, they would get the infamous "Donkus Punch-aroo."

On to The Village- a crappy, boring humdrum of a narrative that further cements M. Night's reputation as an insomnia repellent and tired hack. Wow, not another 'twist' ending- is that, like, your trademark- to keep your half-awake audience lingering on until the anticlimatic finish- to compel theatergoers to angrily leave and vow never to plunk down seven bucks to endure another relentlessly boring assault? Dude, you kept us hanging on with Unbreakable, which was quite good despite being overlong- and you shat on us with Signs, which amazed us with its level of suckiness (Oh, there's an alien in the living room- hit it with your baseball bat and some water- game over!) Did I miss something? Oh, just that smell- the burning wreckage of your career. Hands on the wheel, M- remember, hands on the wheel.

gatsby counter counter-point

oh buckman.
you haven't seen either one of these movies and you know it. yet look at how eager you are to spit fire. what's going on buddy? why have you unleashed the wrath of a tenth level dark wizard?
childish invective like that always makes me think the author must not be able to get an erection.
you need a hug possibly- from a man huh? a little man-hugging would have you chirping like a 50's housewife.
well do what you've got to do buckman, (like watch what you're about to comment on) buy a crystal, whatever- and, the next time you add images to my side of the post will be the last time you play the piano.

END TRANSMISSION