New Old Bug!!!

-gatsby-

i'm so stoked! the buckman quarterly report has trickled down to us columnists and the only person fired was old bug!!
what an incredible day.
the war was a miserable failure, our zombie phase was related without on ounce of discernable effort, and so far "great moments in cinema" has only consisted of a single moment that had nothing to do with cinema.
so this morning in the quad they dragged old bug up to the guillotine and WHOMP!
his head, (which only weighed 3 pounds, is that weird? i think so) rolled into a hand woven basket that will be gussied up with a nice ribbon and given to his parents.
charming.

AND, his replacement was eagerly boxing up his disgusting personal effects when i returned to our offices on the 17th floor. her name is vander. she's a very pretty girl; roberto, our mailroom guy, told me that he's sleeping with her already, but he said that about bug too. (some people will stay in the mailroom for their entire life!) she has a framed poster of "kristin" from "sex in the city", and more squeezy stress toys than i've ever seen in a single place at once.
here's her first post:

-vander-

Gatsby?… Oh, Gatsby? Are you home?

Oh, there you are you sweet thing. I just came from mother's and she
was just all aflutter over the latest news. You know mother, anything
that is new fangled and sparkly. She just received information on one
of those high-falutin Rascal's from The Scooter Store. She has wanted to go on that Vegas
trip with her girlfriend Reba forEVER and if she gets approved for her
scooter she can go. She is so excited. She's already talking about
their matching sequined running suits with whimsical visors and fanny
packs to carry their nickels for the slots.

Won't they be a sight for sore eyes?

She also gave me a rationing about not accepting Brother Gabriel's
invitation to this Sunday's potluck dinner.

Oh Gastby, what am I ever to do? I know she is embarrassed that I am
still single and living at home. She says if I don't get these crazy
notions out of my head I will never land a man.

Let me tell you about my latest idea. I have this girlfriend who has
heard of this company where women can sell makeup to other women… get
this… with out going to the store. I could work for myself! I could
have a job! My girlfriend went to talk to her husband about her ideas
that she could be both a wife and a breadwinner. Once her bruises
faded we researched this company called Mary Kay and found this
product called Indulge™ Soothing Eye Gel.

I know who my first customer could be too! Have you seen that
commercial on the teevee of Bill Clinton and George Bush? Old Billy
Boy could use a vat of that Soothing Eye Gel for sure!

-counterpoint gatsby-

she's crazy huh?
i like the way she's pretending to know me. she's just jumping into her work. very professional.
not like old bug who was always trying to borrow money from me.
i'm very excited about vander, may no man smote asunder what god has brought together or something like that. i think she's from texas.
lovely.

-MONDAY FUNNIES-

Comments

[type a]

wife AND breadwinner? and she's from texas? this is absurdity, why it could change everything! who will look after little timmy when he's finished with his lectures?

[cupcake]

Welcome girl. Now don't you go and let mother pressure you with the man thing. Follow your own path, even if it is yellow-bricked by Mary Kay.

[Vander]

Thank you cupcake, could I interest you in some Indulge™ Soothing Eye Gel?